So, lately I have seen some things and been through some things that really made me think. I mean, a lot.
It is true that my mother has not been doing well these last couple of years. We have had more trips to the hospital and nursing home than we have had trips to the mall or any other venue of shopabiltiy. That makes me sad. Tonight, she is resting at home after just being sprung from the nursing/rehab facility on Friday. In phone calls I beg her to remember to eat and drink, which is something that even as I say it, is unbelievable to me. If eating and shopping were sports….I would be a second generation Olympian, to be sure. We would have a wall full of medals and news clippings of sales receipts and stained napkins. We are champions at living. She seems to want to retire. I’m not ready for it.
Of course, powerhouses as we are, we have bumped heads more a few times in the course of this lifetime. We still do. Now, as she seems to be slowing down more and more, there are things from our past that pop in my mind that need attention. Things that I have done, things that she has done…things that we have said to one another that are like burrs under a saddle or that crazy popcorn hull that is stuck under your gums. These are not things that kill you quickly, but will aggravate the hell out of you until they get rectified, and like that popcorn hull, they gotta be dug out.
I have seen what happens on the other side when folks arrive. I have been told what happens and how it all goes. I understand that the best things that we can ever do is to forgive and love everyone including ourselves. I feel like I need to start the ball rolling and get some of this out of the way so that we may both rest peacefully while we are both still walking on this earth.
The thing that must be understood is that everything that has happened in my life was not necessarily happening TO ME. Even if it was happening TO ME, sometimes it wasn’t about ME. Lastly, sometimes I had it coming.
I am trying to come to terms with that stuff. I am also applying it to my current life and relationships.
I understand that it is my choice to respond, react or behave in the ways that I do. No one is making me do them. I do what I want to do. What I am trying to focus on is Integrity. Staying in my truth, and working and loving from that place of truth.
I also understand that there are consequences to my choices.
I am not a victim. I make choices. If I feel as if I am being victimized, I have the choice to find another situation that will make me happier.
If I choose to be a jerk, there will be consequences. I gotta know that.
If I choose to do good things, there will be consequences. I gotta know that too.
There is always a choice. There is always consequence.
So, these days I am trying to be a little slower on the draw and more contemplative before I fire the gun of my mouth. I am trying to remember what I am there to do, wherever there might be and what ever I am charged with doing.
I am trying to look at all sides of things and recognize my part in whatever good or bad thing happens. I am trying to understand and study my choices. My CHOICES.
Choices give us power. That means I am not a victim, because victims are powerless.
I encourage you to make the choice to not be a victim of this life or your past. Start making some choices to make your life better. It might mean you have to do some work. It might mean you may have to make some tough decisions….but don’t put it off another day. I am choosing to live fully upfront and in touch. That’s a choice…to live.
I choose to choose it.