What doesn’t kill you….

Life’s a mill and I been through it – Dolly Parton"9 to 5:  The Muscial" Press Conference

Me and Dolly, we got more in common than big boobs and fake eyelashes.

They say what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. I haven’t always agreed with that. I have been through some  ugly things in my lifetime. Big ugly things. Ugly things that weren’t always self inflicted or came by way of bad decision. Although I have been through those kinda ugly things too. Most of the big ugly stuff in my life came by way of the ” shit happens” road. And considering what I have dealt with over the years, I do feel the need to say that the Shit Happens Road is not just a road, but really, a six lane highway that can handle heavy trucks.

Before you think I am feeling sorry for myself and writing a pity blog, I am not. I totally could have just a day or to ago, but I refrained. So before you start rolling your eyes at me, let me say, “I had an epiphany this morning”.  I wasn’t even at Walmart. So, this is no roll back price epiphany. Oh no…It’s a full price epiphany.  I want to share this epiphany with you. Mostly because, that is what i do.

This week I had another hard thing to go through. It was rough and I was sick and had to spend a ton of money and it looks like a ton more will have to be paid out before it is over. It isn’t a big thing really. Nothing crazy like a legal issue…it was just a health issue that got out of hand and needed some repair. It’s fine, but it really upset me. It set me down for a week and I couldn’t work. So, big money out and no money in makes Suzy a panic laced baby. I am grateful I had the money to cover it. I am also glad that I have parents that don’t like to see me cry and send care packages laced with green, and I ain’t talkin’ beans. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus.

So, this morning I was looking out the window and looked at one of the big oaks in our yard. It’s a pretty tree. We have ten on our property and none of them under fifty years old, I am sure. I wasn’t doing this to ponder at the God given beauty laid out before me.  I was mostly doing an eyeball calculation of how many times the leaves are going to have to be cleaned up before they are gone for the year. Anyway…

I was noticing the colors and thought about how all the rain effected the color change this year. The trees are more vibrantly colored  and there are still bright green leaves on the majority of the tree. I thought about Sondra telling me she had hoped that the tree roots would go further into the ground after all the rain we had this year. Dry spells make tree roots sit on top of the ground looking for water. If the roots don’t dig in deep enough the tree can topple. Nerve making when the trees are very near the house you just bought.

I looked at the tree outside my office window. That tree has been through some shit, y’all. It has been struck by lightning. It’s had a couple bacterial infections, parasites and it’s had major limbs hacked off of it. It has had storm damage and throws a ton of the things it grows to the ground every year. People have put nails in it to hang pots. ( ok not me, i put twinkly lights on it) It’s seen some crap, and I mean how. Through all of it, there it stands; tall, beautiful and doing its job. The storms and the rain make it dig its roots into the ground. The hard weather causes it to stand stronger and straighter. It doesn’t care if there is threat of dangerous weather. It stands there feeding the birds, housing the squirrels and holding up my twinkle lights without complaint and in complete beauty. It wears its battle scars like a lovely patina that shows it’s strength and its age in unadulterated “it is what it is and i am still here” grandeur. I respect the hell out of these trees.

I need to respect the hell out of me. Whew…there is an on the spot epiphany. Bargain day at the epiphany mart.

I don’t need to cover my scars. I just need to respect where I have been and who I am and do what is best for the standing straight of me. I guess this the wisdom of getting older. I am taking it, Jesus. I am taking it.  It’s not about the outside as much as it is respecting the inside…the outside will follow suit if it is meant to.  It’s deeper than surface and deeper than inside…it is deeper than we can imagine. I respect myself as I respect my God, for God is in me as he is in everyone of those trees out there. Distractions be damned. It is the most important thing in any life. Respect Aretha…and it starts with me.

My friend Caroline Brown wrote on Facebook yesterday about how pain is necessary part of every life. I wrote back to her that you can’t be born or grow without it. I know that is true. Even though I feel like I am five in the middle of some if it…I am growing.

So, as I sit here growing 🙂 ….I just wanted to share with you, that even though it seems like what doesn’t kill you makes you sadder or meaner or just plain tired-er… there is something deeper going on.

Your roots are growing deeper and stronger, so you won’t topple over onto someones house during the next big storm.

Love yourself through it. I am doing my best to love me though this. I have already thrown a great big crying fit…so I am ready to move forward clear-headed. I get it. I see the changes. They are good. They won’t be easy, but if I can stay in this place of respect, it should be a little easier.

Smooch out everyone….love yourselves, be easy on yourselves…and keep a little extra cash in the savings account 🙂

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7 Comments on “What doesn’t kill you….

  1. “It’s deeper than surface and deeper than inside…it is deeper than we can imagine.” –and I am crying..at work..
    You are remarkable. I soooo get this…all of this…
    Thank you for taking something seeded in pain and turning it outward to beauty.

  2. When people ask me…”doesn’t it freak you out to be over 50?” I say, “Heck no! I earned every one of those years!” It’s all about perspective. Love you and so glad you are feeling better!

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