Beating yourself up for fun and profit.
Why do I do it? Really. Why?
There has been a offer on the table of my life for about a month now. Every day of that month I thought about it. I asked my friends about it. I cried and said I needed help understanding it. The lingo, the jargon….it all had to be WAY over my little old head.
When I tried to read the contract, I swear it was like it was in a foreign language. My eyes couldn’t even make words out of the words that were right in front of my face in black and white. Items that were being requested seemed to be mountains that I could never provide and probably wasn’t smart enough to understand what they meant anyway. I was bound to send in the wrong thing….I wasn’t smart enough and I knew it.
Big Lie- I wasn’t smart enough.
Big Truth- I don’t love myself enough.
I preach it everyday. I try to practice it everyday. But, when push came to shove on this very important instance….I didn’t love me. I didn’t trust me. I didn’t believe in me.
Ain’t that some shit? After all I have done and been though…ain’t that some shit?
Today, I made myself buckle down and get it done. I read the contract. I read the requirements. I had questions. So, I called them and asked my questions. I really only had two questions. Two little questions….not a thousand. Two.
The answers were simple.
I was making it too hard. Too hard because somewhere deep inside me, I don’t believe that I am capable of handling things….even though I have handled some pretty important things in the past. Even though, I became the tent pole that held up more than one situation in my life. Somewhere there is still a little drop of poison of self loathing….self debilitation…self destruction. I know how it got there…I do.
There is a reader at the store. Her name is Damaris. She tells me that I need to take spiritual baths. I have always taken spiritual baths…however, Damaris puts some odd ingredients in her tubs. I started following her advice a week ago. I got through to some interesting places in my bathtub. Lots of negativity that was dragging me down and causing me to be unreasonably tired has been pulled out of me.
Last night, I thought the bath was fairly uneventful…..until today. I can finally see the small sliver self hatred that was given to me many many years ago. That small sliver that called out to other people who would reinforce it and help me to believe it to be true.
Today, I am shaking my head. Fully aware of its position, but still fully aware of the poison. But like we always say….”You know your poison, you know your antidote”
– ain’t that right Aunt Joanie?
From today forward….I know my poison. AND…I know that the antidote is gentleness and love and patience….and a solid fearless knowing that it is okay to ask the right questions to the right people. It shows that you care when you desire clarity. I come from a place of authenticity and concern…and the answers unfold to me gently and easily.
So, I got it done. It’s ready to go into the mail. It really took me about 30 minutes. I’m proud of me today.
Everyone needs a kind and gentle kick in the pants sometimes… 🙂
Just like Abilene says…”You is kind. You is smart. You is important”
That’s just the truth right there….