Mother is at war, boys and girls.
at war with myself, at war with the past and most of all…at war with those Dolly Madison trucks that tool down the highway with pictures of donuts on the back of their trailers.
I was behind one today on the way to work and found myself biting at the air towards a large dirty image of a powdered sugar donut that was on the lift gate. I realize that I am pathetic in this…but I am owning the weakness and trying to embrace it. I am hoping the weakness will define the strength…and I will be better for it. What was that clicking sound? Did I just bite the air again?? Jesus, give me strength.
It is a battle…
but, I want to share with you the final message…the last attempt, by my guides, to show me what I was doing was not just physically detrimental, but psychically damaging as well.
Before I do that…let me rewind the movie of this and tell you all about a couple of dreams I had, a few months ago, that were clear direction from my cosmic posse that I needed to make some swift and drastic changes to the dietary intake. They were unsettling. But like a James Bond martini…I was only shaken, not stirred.
A few months ago…well, okay…
over a year ago, I had an odd dream. In the dream I was out and about doing a little shopping (imagine that) and I was trying on some spectacular outfits in the trying on room, of my favorite phat grrl clothing store. I was putting on a pair of very snappy palazzo pants and noticed that there was something stuck to my foot. It looked like a wrapper from a hostess snack.
Gasp! I was embarrassed that I hadn’t seen it earlier. I would imagine that a Ho Ho wrapper stuck to a fat girl’s foot is the equivalent of toilet paper trailing from the shoe of a super model. I mean everyone clearly knows that you do that sort of thing, but the proof on your foot is humiliation city.
Quickly, I pulled the wrapper from my foot and went to throw it in the trashcan. It was then that I noticed that my hand was wet and smelly, and there was another wrapper-looking thing on my other foot. The more I looked the more stinky wet stuff came out of my hands, and garbage was literally falling right off of me. I was turning in to a big pile of garbage. I tried to get the clothes away from me, I didn’t want to get the garbage on the clothes, and who knew how bad that stinky swill, which was puddling on the floor, would stain.
I started to cry with panic and fear…and then I heard someone say to me…” Garbage in, garbage out…Susan.
I jolted awake and vowed to myself, and my guides, that I was going to stop my trashy eating habits and start doing better. I did….for about three days. Phhhhht.
A few months later, I had a second dream.
In this dream, I am on a cruise ship. It is night time and there are twinkle lights on the deck where I am standing. I have on (again) PALAZZO pants and a lovely flowing tunic. I have a cocktail in my hand and the night ocean wind feels fabulous as it breezes through my hair (which by the way has a really terrific color job).
I walk over to the railing of the ship and look over the side, at the dark swirling water below. Then, something swam to the surface. Whoa…I had no idea what that was. I looked again. It was a sea monster, a big Chinese dragon looking sea monster with swirly fins and a long tail. As I kept looking, with shock…I noticed there were several of them swimming around, just under the surface of the water…right alongside the ship.
Just as I decide it might be a good idea to report this distressing discovery, a very attractive and fabulously clad woman approaches me.
Here’s the conversation:
FW ( fabulous woman) – Enjoying the night, Susan?
M (me) – Uuh..yes, yes I am. It is lovely on deck. Have you looked in the water?
FW- Yes, I have. It’s beautiful.
M- Did you see anything in the water?
FW- No, Susan. Do you see anything in the water?
M- There are monsters in the water. Look!
FW- I don’t see monsters in the water.
M- Well, have you looked lately? There are monsters swimming in the water right now.
FW- I don’t see monsters.
M- You have got to be kidding me, lady. They are right there. I see the monsters in the water, right THERE!
FW- (in my face) Do you know why you see monsters, Susan? You see monsters, because you eat shit. You eat shit. You see monsters. YOU see monsters.
I woke up, with my heart pounding, like a jackhammer. I swore to Jesus and myself that I was going to cut out the crap.
Thankfully, Jesus is the forgiving kind….compliance lasted about a month.
Last Thursday, my cosmic team gave me a message in a practical kind of way. One that hit hard and brought on an understanding that is still difficult to deal with, but the experience was powerful.
It was a busy day. I had six readings on the book and no time for lunch. I had a decent breakfast. Well, one without sugar. I was going full steam and doing some of the best readings that I have ever done. I was receiving clear information and messages that were getting right to the core of the issues. I’m talking terrific readings and awesome validations. It was a sweet day.
About four o’clock, I got not only hungry, but HUNGREEY. So, I grabbed four or five of those little, mini Reese’s cups. Popped them in my head and washed them down with a coke. My final two readings came in, about 15 minutes later. Oh my GAWD….it was like swimming through thick mud. I had to work so hard to get information. It was like my power steering had gone out. I could still get to where I was going, but it was a whole lot of hard work.
When I said my gratitude’s and closed the cosmic doorway at the end of the day….a little voice inside my head said,
“Sugar is your kryptonite”
Whoa….I so believe it.
So…I haven’t had any sugar since.
In the days immediately afterward…
I got angry. I got tearful. I got bitchy. I got resentful. I got a migraine. I got ridiculous cravings. I got mean.
And, I am still…a little on the mean side.
However, after three days…a fog lifted. The world got a little brighter.
I realized, right then…I have an addiction.
I have had people sit in my chair, who have substance abuse issues. They look at me and say, “I have been sober or clean for 30 days.” I used to think…wow 30 days. Even though I always smiled and gave kudos, in the back of my head I was thinking that isn’t a really long time.
Today, I completely understand that it IS a long time. On the day when I can say I have been without sugar for 30 days, I will be jumping up and down and doing some major fist pumps. AND…if I encounter any me’s out there with a sugar coated negative energy…I will sugar coat a “kiss my behind” and send it to them.
The realization of the addiction was the line in the sand.
So begins the war….and I think it might be one of those really long, religious kinds. But, as long as I win the daily battles, it is all going to be good.
For those of you who are struggling with an addiction of any kind. My love goes to you. I am the master of my ship…..and I am trying to steer this thing in the right direction, away from the monsters. I salute you, from my wheel to yours.
So, here’s to us. Raise your water bottles high….
Love yourself in all your glory.
Love yourself in all that ills you.
Write yourself a different story.
Win the battle, if it kills you.
Go forth and do kindness,
to the world and also to you.
And, if you suffer another’s blindness,
love yourself and say,
“Hey, Screw You!”
(you can love folks through a “screw you”)
I am doing this thing, y’all.
It’s all about the love. Love for me. Love for life. Love for love.
Smooch Out, Love Muffins…. and may the forks be with you!
Ooooooh…did I just say muffin?