Ok…My fabulous, Joan of Arc baby has turned 23. ( Please math genius, just be kind to me) One year older than I was when I married her father, and one year younger than I was when I made her. Well, God made the fabulous creature, but I did a lot of the work, let me tell ya. In fact, really….let me tell ya….
Here is a list….a list….a list…of the 20 things that I remember most about the whole making a person thing:
1. “Gathering the ingredients” wasn’t ever good or fun enough to counter the rest of the process of making a person. (Of course, I am and was then too, a lesbian. Could have skewed the opinion, I suppose.)
2. Nausea- It’s what’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
3. A commercial can make you vomit, for real.
4. A true craving isn’t funny. ( mine was chocolate cake batter) In the moment of the craving, the craved item becomes like air. You need it. You have to have it. You are at the bottom of the swimming pool and it’s so far up to the top. It’s that urgent pressing need to survive. Can you make it? You are about to burst…dying for that sweet gasping moment when you finally get that chocolate cake batter…I mean, AIR! Yeah, it’s like that.
5. A swollen foot can rip a leather shoe at a wedding. Your 24 year old, well shaped ankle can look like the overstuffed compression hosiery that belongs to your 85 year old, diabetic great grandmother. Oh..and no drinking at the reception, and the single hot guys look at you like you might be contagious.
6. Random people will touch your belly. Not only touch, but pat, rub and even put their heads and ears to it. Some folks will even talk into your belly button region like they are ordering lunch at Wendy’s….Well, if they ordered lunch in baby talk, that is.
7. The first time you feel your baby move it is magic. It’s a magic that only you get to know. It will make you smile in a way that is uncommon, and you will only smile in that deep knowing way during this precious moment…..that is, right after you have wigged out thinking that some kind of bug has crawled up your shirt. After the “get it off me dance”, you will smile like that.
8. Nipples can look like cigar butts. Thankfully, the return back to normal…thank you Jesus. Your husband won’t think it’s funny if you hang things from them. Much like you don’t think the wash cloth trick is funny.
9. Peeing should be an Olympic sport. Who can hold it longest. Who can move the fastest. Who can pull down their giant underwear the quickest.
10. You feel fertile and sexy. You don’t look that way, so you don’t want anyone to know that you feel fertile and sexy. Really, you are sexy. Where was I back then? I need the today me to be with that yesterday me.
11. Neet and Nair is way more convenient than shaving.
12. Watching your belly move on it’s own is fun for other people. It’s bonding time for you. It’s like a little secret mommy and me session.
13. Everyone has an opinion. You know the rest of that one, right?
14. Swollen eyes, swollen lips and swollen noses are just a small outward manifestation of the giant swollen main event that is raging on the inside.
15. Baby hiccups bouncing my belly.
16. Dreaming of what my baby looks like, acts like…who will she be? Hoping she will be more like me and knowing that if she is, I will go crazy.
17. Performing in the King and I, running up and down stairs and kneeling prostrate before a giant golden Buddha while the baby does gymnastics on my diaphragm. Singing a ballad in the warmth of a spotlight while there is a disco party going on in my belly. Heee maay not aaaalways saaaay ( for Christ sakes can we keep it down in there!)
18. Closing my eyes and knowing unconditional love for the first time. Feeling the warmth and peace of that knowing was like floating in heaven.
19. The ultra sound that looked like a Halloween card from my fetus. Skelly girl. This was also the ultra sound when I realized that her name was Megan. It wasn’t Elizabeth Anne. It was Megan Elizabeth. She was a firecracker.
20. Being pregnant was one of the best times of my life. I am grateful for the experience of it. I am happy to have shared that experience with only Megan Rushing.
So, now that I am all teary eyed. Let me say to you momma’s out there…. It’s a crazy, emotional and painful and gleeful and magical and wild ride. Here’s to it. I’m glad I got to do it.
ONCE 🙂
Happy Birthday Betty Spaghetti, you are one tough cookie, and you are loved loved loved by a ton of people….but really not as much as your mother 🙂 lol!! Sounds like MY mother!
Smooch Out – It’s nothing that a little plastic surgery can’t fix, right? 🙂
Love Yourself Through It! 
You made me laugh loud twice and tear up as well. I can relate to most of that, but, mostly to how you are so proud to be her mom. Thanks for sharing. Me and my no longer cigarettes butt nipples are going to bed.
Mother Nadine, here is two your two beautiful daughters…and to your two back to normal nips. Cheers! I’d say bottoms up, but I am afraid that is what got you the cigar nipples to begin with. 🙂